Sunday, July 7, 2013

BattleSwarm Blog Satire: Satan Calls Press Conference To Disassociate Self From Texas Democratic Party

the following is from Lawrence Pearson's BattleSwarm Blog:

Austin, Texas: Today Satan, the Prince of Darkness and ruler of the infernal underworld, held a press conference on the Capitol steps to disassociate himself from the Texas Democratic Party.
“Last night, a bunch of pro-abortion supporters at the state capitol chanted ‘Hail Satan’,” said the Prince of Lies. “And, you know, all well and good. Any publicity is good publicity.”
“But I wanted to make one thing clear,” said the Angel of the Abyss. “In no way, shape or form am I, Hell, its many powers and principalities, or At His Satanic Majesty’s Request Industries Ltd., involved or associated with the Texas Democratic Party.”
“Sure, there’s a lot to like about the Texas Democratic Party,” said the Great Deceiver. “I’m totally down with the baby killing, I’m big on bankrupting future generations through deficit spending, I love breeding despair though intergenerational welfare dependency, and how could I oppose being soft on crime?”
“But, c’mon!” said the Son of the Morning Star. “I’m a man of wealth and taste! I’m hardly going to let myself be seen paling around with those pathetic clowns in the Texas Democratic Party!”
“If I were running the show, don’t you think I’d be able to get at least one Democrat elected statewide since 1994?” asked the Vile Tempter. “They used to own this state, but now these boobs couldn’t find their ass with both hands! I don’t want to be associated with that sort of incompetence.”
“If I’m going to come to Texas, I’m going to go to San Antonio to hang out with my heavy metal homies, because those dudes know how to party,” said The Great Serpent. “Plus I know a place that serves killer breakfast tacos.”
When asked if he was associated with the national Democratic Party, the Devil said “Wow, look at the time! I’ve got to wrap this up, I’m late for a beheading in the Sudan. But before I go, I just want to tell the reporters here that we’re always hiring good PR people for Hell, and we pay a lot better rates than MSNBC.”

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